Stories


Encore
Play it again, Sam…
Degrees of freedom
Sometimes the easy things are the most difficult…
His master’s voice
Manners maketh man…
In camera
Stowaways are hard on the captain…
Down and under
If you sound funny, you must be from Australia…
The short form of flying
To fly is to fall in the right way…
The names of words
Names make things invisible…
A day apart
It’s surprising how long it takes to get somewhere if you’re not actually moving…
My mother’s game
Say what you’d most like to hear…
Professor Paxton elaborates
64 is a magical number…
V-day
If you can still open a fridge, you’re still OK…
Squashed for time
A gem squash cannot be the handiwork of a sane God…
Rip
How to stand out among those who sit out…
The burden of proof
My father could never pick his own side in an argument…
The brief syzygy of April and September
In love there’s no space for details…
The red wheelbarrow
Wines taste better in the valley of loss…
A formula for distance
People are easy to be with when they’re not around…
Alfie’s Arsehole
Drinking considered as one of the fine arts…
The half-life of simplicity
If there’s something you don’t understand, there’s something else you also don’t understand…
The long way home
Being in traffic would be more acceptable if you knew why everyone else was there…
The waiting game
Basic training in the military sucks, but somehow you only remember the funny bits—part 1…
Our shaving grace
Basic training in the military sucks, but somehow you only remember the funny bits—part 2…
Old Timer
Basic training in the military sucks, but somehow you only remember the funny bits—part 3…
A thing my father was good at
My father missed out on some sleep in the late fifties and never caught up…
The parallel of talent
Being grateful that it’s Friday is a sign of failure…
Take that jack
When you expect the world to suck, it better suck…
The stress cube
Amazon tries not to send me a stress cube…
The secret suicide of questions
The good questions don’t need answers…
Zelda’s spiral
I get drawn into Zelda’s spiral…
What you can do with a hundred million dollars
What would you give for a hundred million dollars? And what would you do with it…?
An evening out of oddness
Somewhere there’s someone who will think you’re weird…
A wall across time
You cannot sit by the river of time…
Three Jorges
Brazilians are crazy…
more thicker than forget
My English teacher was the best teacher I ever had, precisely because he didn’t want to teach…
Special Relativity
My mother rejected the laws of nature and hated mathematics…
Jack’s thing
Jack tries to throw his car away…
Quitters never win
Smoking is a red pill. There’s no way back…
Terry hangs ten
Even lions are afraid of something…
Five forms of blackness
So what if I look white? I’m black…
Certain fission
My 10-year-old son questions his foreskin…
We’re all transparent in the dark
I hide up a tree so my mother can’t hit me…
The bird juggler
An old man does magic with pigeons…
Harley and David
Harley was a genius but his dog was an idiot…
The laxative wars
Jack and I battle it out with laxatives. I lose…
Manic Haven
Even though God didn’t like my grandmother’s smoking, He never let on…
Daylight robbery
Monkeys are people too…
The love of choice
According to my mother, a woman can have any man she wants…
Breaking and taking
Jack hates authority in uniform, even uniformed gnomes…
Casanova
Never watch your wife ride a stallion…
Scrumping the Big Apple
You have to steal to survive in New York…
Where there’s a will there’s a won’t
Jeff doesn’t want me to put THINKING on my time sheets…
Insert knob A into hole B
On-the-spot sex education doesn’t work…
Trumped-up
Jeff has taken over. We don’t know where we’re going but we’re on our way…
The time machine
Never let your nine-year-old son watch Back to the Future
Seattle by the Sea
America is a strange place…
Mr Fine
Jack adopts an old bulldog who is deeply weird and refuses to crap where you can see him…
The patience placebo
My father had near-infinite patience. He used it to cure every ill, but of course that rarely worked…
Sean the Sane
Crazy Sean exchanges a book at Dad’s Toys…
His Luckness
To succeed in life it’s not enough to be stupid…
The math of shape
Trouble at the post office…
Maybe Dick
Jeff meets his match…
The Kingdom of Magila
Some homeless people are less equal than others…
The capacity to forget
There are things that time won’t heal…
The balance of things
My father insisted on balance…not justice…
A bargain at any price
Jack buys a water filter, sort of…
Passaporto per favore
I get arrested at the Milan airport…
The Platinum Card
A Platinum frequent flyer card only gets you so far…
The toilet spray of embarrassment
Jeff takes me to a coffee shop with a trendy urinal…
Skull-bitten
I get bitten by a skull in Berlin…
The blood bank
Jefty Jeff reviews my overdraft…
Kuntz Life
Jack tries to insure an elephant…
The nappy rush
There’s a conspiracy at Huggies…
It’s my job
Trying to reason with airport staff doesn’t work…
Doc
My father didn’t mind to be called Mister, except by our doctor…
Double blind
Blind Trevor and blind Frank bump into one another…
Knitters Anonymous
My name is Eddie and I’m a knitter…
Jack++
Jack tries not to buy a chainsaw…
The one-lion cure for depression
Jack is darted with a sedative and flown to a town in Italy where they have a spare amphitheatre…
Nutty red stir-fry
Most recipes mention ingredients you don’t have or measurements you can’t understand…
What friends are for
More is less with social networking…
Five rules of public speaking
How to speak in public without giving a shit…
How to kill a mosquito
We’ve been killing mosquitoes ever since we’ve had hands. There’s a better way to do it…