Recorded voice: If you’ve never had a Kuntz policy before, and would like a quote, press 1
Jack: (presses 1)
(A few bars of Beethoven)
Wayne: Thank you for calling Kuntz Life & General. You’re speaking to Wayne. How can I make your day?
Jack: You have, Wayne, you have.
Wayne: (pause) How can I help you?
Jack: I need to insure an elephant.
Wayne: Pardon?
Jack: Is there a direct number to call you on in case my phone cuts out. Every now and then it mutes me but keeps the call going. It’s super annoying.
Wayne: Er — sure.
(He gives Jack a number)
Jack: Got it. Now, the elephant. Can we do that?
Wayne: Have you ever dealt with Kuntz before?
Jack: Not like this.
Wayne: Sorry?
Jack: No. Never. I selected option 1, didn’t I?
Wayne: OK then. I need to get some personal details from you in order to get started. Is that OK?
Jack: Go ahead.
(Wayne asks Jack’s ID, his address, his birthdate, phone numbers and previous insurance history)
Jack: My turn —
Wayne: Pardon?
Jack: What’s your birthday?
Wayne: (after a pause) I cannot tell you that.
Jack: Why the hell not? You asked for mine. I’d also like to know who I’m dealing with.
Wayne: Sir, you called us. We’re Kuntz —
Jack: That’s true, Wayne. Besides, I’m in a hurry. Things are getting out of hand on this end. I need to insure an elephant. Can we do that soon?
Wayne: All calls are recorded, sir.
Jack: That’s fine. I’m also recording.
Wayne: Excuse me?
Jack: Let’s get to the elephant.
Wayne: Will you be insuring only this one item, or the contents of your house?
Jack: First I want to know about the elephant.
Wayne: What is the value of the elephant?
Jack: I got it for a hundred thousand. Make it hundred and one thousand. I had to buy this ridiculous collar that cost another thousand.
Wayne: Wow! (typing) Can you describe the item?
Jack: It’s a very large leather hoop —
Wayne: No, the elephant.
Jack: Oh — well, it’s an elephant.
Wayne: (laughing) No, I mean, can you describe it, like, how big is it?
Jack: It’s the size of an elephant.
Wayne: Wow! What’s it made of?
Jack: It’s made of elephant.
Wayne: Excuse me?
Jack: It’s made of elephant.
Wayne: Oh, is it like taxi-, you know, a stuffed elephant?
Jack: When it stands very still, it looks stuffed.
Wayne: (silent for a small while) Is this an actual elephant?
Jack: Of course. Why the hell would I buy a dead elephant for a hundred thousand? Are you crazy? And a collar on top of that?
Wayne: (silent for a longer while) There’s no cover for animals with Kuntz, sir.
Jack: He’s a male.
Wayne: Er — male or female.
Jack: Why not? You insure live humans? It says Kuntz Life —
Wayne: Yes, sir, but that’s life insurance, like, you know, for humans.
Jack: His name is Harold.
Wayne: Sorry?
Jack: The elephant. His name is Harold.
Wayne: Sir, it doesn’t matter if he’s got a name or not. We don’t cover pets.
Jack: He’s not a pet. He’s an artist. He paints.
Wayne: Any animals, sir.
Jack: But what if he’s stolen? What if someone graffitis him while he’s asleep?
Wayne: Perhaps another insurer?
Jack: Ok, let’s forget Harold for a moment. I need to take out cover on some of my stuff in case he breaks it.
Wayne: Are you saying the elephant increases the risk of damage to your other possessions?
Jack: Of course. He might sit on my laptop. Imagine.
Wayne: Hello? Hello?
(Jack redials)
Wayne: Thank you for calling Kuntz —
Jack: Or my car. He could flatten my car.
Wayne: The elephant — ?
Jack: Harold.
Wayne: Yes —
Jack: How about we insure only his skin?
Wayne: Excuse me?
Jack: You said Kuntz didn’t insure animals. Let’s insure only his skin, like you’d insure a hunting trophy. That way, if Harold dies or gets graffitied, I could claim for his skin.
Wayne: (silent for a moment) That would be like insuring only the paint of your car.
Jack: Exactly! Why can’t I do that? It makes sense. Come to think of it —
Wayne: Hello? Hello?
(Jack redials)
Wayne: Thank you for calling Kuntz —
Jack: Harold?
Wayne: (after a moment) Sir, Kuntz cannot cover an elephant. I have other calls in my queue —
Jack: All I want is to insure a collar. Can I do that?
Wayne: No elephant?
Jack: What elephant? Let’s talk about the collar.
Wayne: (typing) OK, so, let’s see…
Jack: What are you going to select on your screen?
Wayne: I’m going with miscellaneous.
Jack: That sounds good.
Wayne: OK, you said a thousand?
Jack: A hundred and one thousand.
Wayne: (after a moment) That’s with the elephant added on, isn’t it?
Jack: What elephant?
Wayne: Sir, you cannot insure something beyond it’s actual value.
Jack: Why on earth not? I’ll pay the higher premium. Why can’t I do that?
Wayne: Sir, if we’re going to talk about the elephant, I’m going to have to drop off.
Jack: What elephant? You keep bringing that up. We’re talking about a higher premium.
Wayne: (click)
(A few minutes later)
Man: Thank you for calling Kuntz —
Jack: Could I speak with Harold please?
Man: Who?
Jack: He introduced himself as Wayne, I think, but then he insisted that I call him Harold. Who’re you?
Man: I’m the supervisor on the floor. Wayne did what!?
Jack: He was sort of weird, to tell you the truth. I called to insure an antique circus collar but he suggested that I get an elephant to go with it.
Man: This is unbelievable —
Jack: That’s what I thought —
Man: Hello? Hello?
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