Kuntz Life


Recorded voice: If you’ve never had a Kuntz policy before, and would like a quote, press 1

Jack: (presses 1)

(A few bars of Beethoven)

Wayne: Thank you for calling Kuntz Life & General. You’re speaking to Wayne. How can I make your day?

Jack: You have, Wayne, you have.

Wayne: (pause) How can I help you?

Jack: I need to insure an elephant.

Wayne: Pardon?

Jack: Is there a direct number to call you on in case my phone cuts out. Every now and then it mutes me but keeps the call going. It’s super annoying.

Wayne: Er — sure.

(He gives Jack a number)

Jack: Got it. Now, the elephant. Can we do that?

Wayne: Have you ever dealt with Kuntz before?

Jack: Not like this.

Wayne: Sorry?

Jack: No. Never. I selected option 1, didn’t I?

Wayne: OK then. I need to get some personal details from you in order to get started. Is that OK?

Jack: Go ahead.

(Wayne asks Jack’s ID, his address, his birthdate, phone numbers and previous insurance history)

Jack: My turn —

Wayne: Pardon?

Jack: What’s your birthday?

Wayne: (after a pause) I cannot tell you that.

Jack: Why the hell not? You asked for mine. I’d also like to know who I’m dealing with.

Wayne: Sir, you called us. We’re Kuntz —

Jack: That’s true, Wayne. Besides, I’m in a hurry. Things are getting out of hand on this end. I need to insure an elephant. Can we do that soon?

Wayne: All calls are recorded, sir.

Jack: That’s fine. I’m also recording.

Wayne: Excuse me?

Jack: Let’s get to the elephant.

Wayne: Will you be insuring only this one item, or the contents of your house?

Jack: First I want to know about the elephant.

Wayne: What is the value of the elephant?

Jack: I got it for a hundred thousand. Make it hundred and one thousand. I had to buy this ridiculous collar that cost another thousand.

Wayne: Wow! (typing) Can you describe the item?

Jack: It’s a very large leather hoop —

Wayne: No, the elephant.

Jack: Oh — well, it’s an elephant.

Wayne: (laughing) No, I mean, can you describe it, like, how big is it?

Jack: It’s the size of an elephant.

Wayne: Wow! What’s it made of?

Jack: It’s made of elephant.

Wayne: Excuse me?

Jack: It’s made of elephant.

Wayne: Oh, is it like taxi-, you know, a stuffed elephant?

Jack: When it stands very still, it looks stuffed.

Wayne: (silent for a small while) Is this an actual elephant?

Jack: Of course. Why the hell would I buy a dead elephant for a hundred thousand? Are you crazy? And a collar on top of that?

Wayne: (silent for a longer while) There’s no cover for animals with Kuntz, sir.

Jack: He’s a male.

Wayne: Er — male or female.

Jack: Why not? You insure live humans? It says Kuntz Life

Wayne: Yes, sir, but that’s life insurance, like, you know, for humans.

Jack: His name is Harold.

Wayne: Sorry?

Jack: The elephant. His name is Harold.

Wayne: Sir, it doesn’t matter if he’s got a name or not. We don’t cover pets.

Jack: He’s not a pet. He’s an artist. He paints.

Wayne: Any animals, sir.

Jack: But what if he’s stolen? What if someone graffitis him while he’s asleep?

Wayne: Perhaps another insurer?

Jack: Ok, let’s forget Harold for a moment. I need to take out cover on some of my stuff in case he breaks it.

Wayne: Are you saying the elephant increases the risk of damage to your other possessions?

Jack: Of course. He might sit on my laptop. Imagine.

Wayne: Hello? Hello?

(Jack redials)

Wayne: Thank you for calling Kuntz —

Jack: Or my car. He could flatten my car.

Wayne: The elephant — ?

Jack: Harold.

Wayne: Yes —

Jack: How about we insure only his skin?

Wayne: Excuse me?

Jack: You said Kuntz didn’t insure animals. Let’s insure only his skin, like you’d insure a hunting trophy. That way, if Harold dies or gets graffitied, I could claim for his skin.

Wayne: (silent for a moment) That would be like insuring only the paint of your car.

Jack: Exactly! Why can’t I do that? It makes sense. Come to think of it —

Wayne: Hello? Hello?

(Jack redials)

Wayne: Thank you for calling Kuntz —

Jack: Harold?

Wayne: (after a moment) Sir, Kuntz cannot cover an elephant. I have other calls in my queue —

Jack: All I want is to insure a collar. Can I do that?

Wayne: No elephant?

Jack: What elephant? Let’s talk about the collar.

Wayne: (typing) OK, so, let’s see…

Jack: What are you going to select on your screen?

Wayne: I’m going with miscellaneous.

Jack: That sounds good.

Wayne: OK, you said a thousand?

Jack: A hundred and one thousand.

Wayne: (after a moment) That’s with the elephant added on, isn’t it?

Jack: What elephant?

Wayne: Sir, you cannot insure something beyond it’s actual value.

Jack: Why on earth not? I’ll pay the higher premium. Why can’t I do that?

Wayne: Sir, if we’re going to talk about the elephant, I’m going to have to drop off.

Jack: What elephant? You keep bringing that up. We’re talking about a higher premium.

Wayne: (click)

(A few minutes later)

Man: Thank you for calling Kuntz —

Jack: Could I speak with Harold please?

Man: Who?

Jack: He introduced himself as Wayne, I think, but then he insisted that I call him Harold. Who’re you?

Man: I’m the supervisor on the floor. Wayne did what!?

Jack: He was sort of weird, to tell you the truth. I called to insure an antique circus collar but he suggested that I get an elephant to go with it.

Man: This is unbelievable

Jack: That’s what I thought —

Man: Hello? Hello?

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